How My Stutter Started - A Bit About Me

I was born in Birmingham, England on September 13th 1973. I was the third child of Angela and Robin, my brother Gavin was six and my sister Sharon was four. My parents, brother and sister are fluent, so it was a shock to everyone when I started to stutter at the age of four.

After I was born my mother decided to leave work to look after me and up until the age of four there were no faults in my speech.

At the age of four she felt it was time for her to return to work and a friend of the family offered to pick me up from school, take me to her house, look after me, and even feed me until my mother was ready to pick me up at around 6.30pm. Her name was Jean and she had a son who was in my class at school called Graham.

Being looked after by Jean was not something that worried me, I liked her and Graham and was actually quite looking forward to going to their house. So Jean picked us up from school and we walked back to her house where me and Graham played football in the back garden. At around 5pm the evening meal was ready and Jean called us into the house, this is where things started to go horribly wrong.

In my family at meal times we would collect our plate from the table and were allowed to take it to whichever room we wanted to or even into the garden to eat the food, very laid back and this is what I was used to.

However in Jean's house they ate in a dining room around a dining table, this of course should not be a problem but it turned out to be the start of my stutter.

Graham led me into the dining room where I saw a very well presented dining table with two knives, two forks, two spoons (why do you need two?, I wondered ). There were serviettes, table mats, even flowers, there were people sitting around the table who I had never met before, Graham's father, older brother and older sister and it seemed like they were all staring at me.

I sat down at the table feeling rather uncomfortable and then various people started to ask me different questions about myself, what's your name?, which football team do you support?, what's your favourite subject at school? etc. I felt under great pressure and found it very difficult to get the words out. I was aware I had not spoken properly but was unsure as to why.

How people react especially adults when a person first stutter's is very important. If they over-react or panic this can have an adverse effect on that person. I distinctly remember Graham's older sister laughing which made me feel very embarrassed. Jean rose from the table and picked up the telephone which was in the same room and started dialing a number.

Why is she making a phone call during the meal? Why doesn't she wait until after the meal? I thought to myself. Then I heard her asking for Mrs Hill, my mother of course. Why is she phoning my mother? Now the last thing my mother wanted on her first day at work was a call from Jean saying there was a problem with me. "You didn't tell me Stephen had a stutter" said Jean.

"He hasn't" said my mother in a shocked voice. This of course had been the first time I had stuttered.

"Well he's been stuttering quite badly here today" said Jean, a slight over-reaction as I had only stuttered around the dining table, not in the garden etc.

My mother was obviously concerned and shocked but so was I. I had heard this conversation and although did not know what a stutter was, I was aware they were talking about my speech, not about how good it was but about how bad it was. This obviously made me feel paranoid and self-conscious.

Eventually my mother turned up to take me home but before leaving had a discussion with Jean in front of me about what had happened in the dining room. This of course made me even more aware of my failings.

When we arrived home my parents sat me down and started to ask me questions about my day, this was not a normal event, they were listening to my speech. I was now feeling comfortable and did not stutter, I imagine this would have left them feeling confused. For the rest of that evening I spoke fluently and eventually went to bed.

When in bed I always think about the day I have just had and also think about what might happen tomorrow. I thought that was a strange day, I was looking forward to going to Jean's house and was originally enjoying myself playing football in the garden but then in the dining room I struggled to speak. I tried to analyze why that might have been and came up with the following three conclusions:

1. I may have struggled as I did not feel comfortable.

2. I may have struggled because I felt under pressure.

3. I may have struggled as I was having to speak and socialise with people I did not know.

All of the above were new situations for me, as a four year old boy everything was made very easy for me, I rarely came into contact with new people, rarely felt under pressure or uncomfortable and if I did normally had my parents close at hand to help and comfort me.

I then thought about what might happen on the next day, I have to go to school, no problem, then I have to go to Jean's house, oh no I thought, and then started to imagine myself in the dining room and could see myself stuttering when talking. What I am doing is pre-predicting failure which normally means failure. This a common trait of many stutterers. I then started to worry and found it hard to sleep.

At school the next day I was totally fluent but as predicted stuttered quite badly in the dining room. Jean didn't phone my mother this time but before leaving to go home they again discussed my speech in front of me.

What I was hoping for but didn't ask for was that somebody else could look after me but unfortunately I had to be looked after by Jean for around a year. My speech confidence became shattered and the stutter started to rear its ugly head in other areas, i.e. at school, and home etc.